Thursday, December 24, 2009

How to always be loved

The desire to be loved is strong.
The desire to be accepted is strong.
Conformity often results.
To be different one must be ready to accept criticism and judgement.
One must be strong enough not to be loved.

Even when people attempt to be unique individuals,
are they really?
Since the world is united in the human experience,
what is being done today has been done before and will be done again.
Is anything really unique?

But the real question is how do you find you, the inner you, the you who is truly you, not the you influenced by them, by the past, by pain and rejection?

How do you find you?

By sitting in silence listening to yourself?
By writing and exploring the inner you?
By connecting to the love and joy created by you and you alone?

I walk around in a black skirt with an embroidered big red flower, the hem dragging on the ground being kicked and tripped over by my well-used scruffy boots, and the students gasp in admiration when I walk into the classroom. But it was the fun and joy I felt before entering the stage of 62 eyes that I knew that the skirt was truly me. I love the way the skirt moves with me, and in realizing that I am in love, I find me.

I wonder though, if the class had gasped in horror, would I be strong enough not to be loved, to continue wearing the skirt I love but others hate?

Maybe to find the true you, all you have to do is create. Instead of wearing and buying items from the mass produced, create your own world according to you.

The skirt was made in Africa according to my instructions. I created something that was me.

I knit and often feel that my color combinations are all wrong. Wrong because in the world of mass production, I have never seen that color combination? Maybe the colors I decide to combine are actually right, are the colors I am truly feeling in that moment, but the fear of rejection makes me doubt the combined colors?

When I was in high school, how was I a Spinelli Stargirl, a girl who is so in tune with what she loves and is so confident being herself that she ignores peer pressure? To be herself, she is strong enough not to be loved by the people who judge her, the people who want her to be normal like everyone else.
  1. For Valentine's I stayed up all night making homemade cards for my classmates.
  2. During sports games and camps, I was the lone voice who continuously cheered and even during basketball camp got picked by the head coach to move to his gym because my voice wouldn't stop, a lone cheering voice amongst hundreds of girls.
  3. During 11th grade prom, I brought my dad.
  4. During 12th grade prom I spent the whole night on the dance floor, most of the time on an empty dance floor, sometimes joined by other dancers. I asked the boys who didn't bring a date to dance, but was only met in silence.
Have I lost the Spinelli Stargirl now that I am 32?

I have gotten lazy, and instead of doing and creating, I get lost in watching.

I love kung fu.
I love riding my bike.
I love spreading color on paper with my fingers.
I love meeting people from a different culture.
I love exploring a city.

But currently I am stuck in my apartment full of excuses.
The weather is too cold.
I am too tired.
The weather is too cold.
I love knitting, and therefore, spend almost all of my free time knitting at the sacrifice of other loves.

Watching media is one hurdle I face when looking for me to love, but my biggest struggle comes when I am with a partner. I cannot bear being unloved. I conform to their ideas, to their wants, to their needs, all because I want their love and have forgotten my own love for myself. Loving myself is sometimes so hard especially when there is another person in the picture loving me. Instead of living off the love created by myself, I tend to live off the love that the other person gives. Another person's love isn't very reliable.

Jen, you've got to find your inner Stargirl and keep her close. If you can hear her, then you will always be loved.


tavares said...

u r a combo of everyone you ever met.

Dr. Jen said...

True, but your inner self often filters which parts to pick and choose.

For example, many of my friends drink and smoke cigarettes, so why don't I?