Who am I?

I have spent four years jumping from country to country searching for me. I moved from one culture to the next believing that by being super flexible and adaptable, that by presenting a censored me, I was being a phony American peer pressured to do my best to fit in without revealing my true self. I feared I wouldn't be able to integrate, wouldn't be accepted and would eventually be run out of the country if I revealed all of my labels. There is some truth to my fear; however, I've wrongly believed that I've been lying about who I am.

I've often written about trying to find the answer to the question who am I? Living in other countries I feel that I've been chasing a memory of me, have been chasing a ghost, a Jennifer whom I thought I was, who I thought that by being in the USA I would become again. In the states there is a freedom to be open in ways I can't be while living abroad, so I always assumed that if I returned to the USA I would be a more truthful side of myself.

I went back to the USA for a month, returned to China and while eating a bowl of noodles, my first meal back at site, watching the street, what did I discover?

No matter where I am, I am me. There I am. All those labels, the ones I hide, the ones I present, the ones I change, the ones I become aren't me. My history, education, genes, clothes, beliefs and labels don't define my identity. My identity exists right there, undefinable, just there. When I peer into me, I know it, but there are no words to describe it.

My insecurities and fears cause me to think I don't know who I am, cause me to think that I am presenting a phony censored identity, cause me to defend that which is me. But there is no need because I exist, not because I think, not because I can write and write describing who I am.

I exist because I am not dead.
I exist here, now.
Look inside.
Shh....

Close your eyes.
Can you see yourself?
Can you hear yourself?

Can you feel that quiet sense of being you?

Yes?

Then you know what I am talking about.
That being is you.
This being is me,

no longer wondering who am I?

I am me.

Back to China I Go

The silence of my blog may have got y'all wondering, "Where in the world is Jen?"

• I was riding in the bike friendly city of Ft. Collins and sleeping at a farm full of fat turkeys, a few horses, and egg laying chickens in a town nearby.
• I was in a tent in the middle of the aspen forests of Crested Butte sleeping by a rushing creek.
• I was at my family's home at the base of a mesa of Grand Junction.
• I was in a rustic cabin in the foothills of the surrounding area of Denver that only had the modern convenience of electricity.
• I was in an awesomely decorated apartment full of artifacts from around the world.
• I was hiking and biking in Boulder.

One more night in Seattle and then back to China where I start teaching on Monday.

Colorado was a land of soul searching because of being in nature and around family and friends. In the solitude, I think too much. Being distracted by the kindness and conversations of people makes me feel like I belong and can start a life in the USA.

What kinds of debates and questions came up in my head?

1. There is the old quote "You can choose your friends but you don't choose your family." When you're a kid you don't choose your family and in my special case since I was adopted I was specially picked out; however, when you become older, the question that pops up is Now that I can make my own decision, do I choose family back? Is the shared history, enough to overcome a lack of common ground? I choose friends because we have something in common. Why is family different somehow?

2. Is it better to face rejection in order to have a truthful, honest relationship with people by sharing everything and revealing oneself or is it better to keep the peace and hide? Can one have meaningful relationships based on hiding one's secrets? As I travel the world, I often have to censor myself or change to fit in. In Africa, I was a married woman. In China, I try to be a harmony driven Chinese teacher with western teaching characteristics who is too old and too educated to get married. In the USA, I've always hoped that I could be me, but is it worth being me and face the possibility of rejection?

3. Do I prefer solitude and isolation or being around people? In the mountains of Boulder, I went on my first hiking experience alone and it reminded me of the isolation and solitude of Africa as well as the bike rides into the countryside of China. I felt the peace of being me without the pressure of cultural norms, without the stress of being judged and making cultural mistakes, without the feeling that I don't belong. But then I also hung out with such wonderful accepting people that I felt the joy of being around friends and family.

4. Whom do I want to date? Whomever I pick as a partner, I think if they are full of joy about life, the little things, the flavor of a spice, the way the light hits the earth, the craziness of people and their long commutes in their cars, the way a plant survives and offers beauty to a dead area due to fire, a joy about life would be an excellent quality to have.

5. Am I ready to return to the USA? My dreams have been accomplished and at 33 sometimes I feel umm... now what? What else is there to do? Am I really ready to enter the working force of the USA, to work till I die, to have a car, to eat fast food, to watch TV, to worry about health insurance and retirement? The visit to Colorado helped me realize that there is hope for a life of creativity. There is hope to create a life for myself that is inspired from within. I don't have to get trapped into the stereotype of all that makes America ugly for me.

Age 33 Crisis

As I have grown older, I have realized at each cross-roads of adventures, the root of my decisions is to try to answer the simple question, Who am I?

I've looked in the USA.
I've looked in Africa.
I've looked in China.
What have I discovered?

That instead of narrowing down the answer into a nice neat little packaged Jennifer who is confident about who she is, the world travel has just made her more and more complicated. Instead of a nice concise list documenting her identity, now there are a thousand different Jennifers, each being as flexible as needed to fit in wherever she is living. At sixteen, she was limited by her few experiences and was the good Christian girl. After that though, the variety of interests and identities that she took on blew up into a million little segments of personality. She is happy in each of her roles, in each of her personalities, in each of her interests and passions, in each of the different environments but when faced with the decision to choose one of them and to try to pick the next adventure, it becomes impossible. You may think... just try to fulfill as many of the different parts of Jennifer as you can; however, there are conflicts between the different Jennifers. There is the traditional Jennifer and the totally non-traditional Jen. There is the English speaker, the Chinese and French speaker. There is the knitter and the construction worker. There is the athlete and the TV watcher. There is the non-materialistic camper and the computer user. There are just too many choices!

What am I going to do after Peace Corps?

I bought a book. What should I do with My Life? by Po Bronson

Chinese American in America

I haven't lived in the South in a really long time, but since living abroad I've always had the optimistic hopeful expectation that white America was finally recognizing and accepting minorities as Americans rather than foreigners, immigrants, and illegals. I thought that minorities have made a showing to America that we exist as Americans. We are on TV, in movies, in schools, in politics, at church, in the workplace. We are visible. We are actively participating in American society, living in America, speaking English. Our cultural instincts and customs are American. I thought America was ready to accept us as Americans regardless of skin color.

Sitting on a bench in a supermarket waiting for my mom to finish her errands, a white haired man sat down and started to make small talk.

Man: Is it hot enough for you?

Jen: It sure is.

Man: Is it as hot as where you're originally from?

Jen: Well where I am working now, it isn't as hot. (Thoughts: originally from? What if I was born and raised in America, generations and generations. Why does my skin color label me as an outsider, who has an original country when everyone even the white people have their original countries?)

Man: Are you from Korea? Is it hot there?

Jen: No. I was born in Taiwan but I've lived most of my life in America.

Man: Oh Taiwan. Do you visit often? Is it hot there?

Jen: Umm... I don't remember I was too little. I am working in China though with the American Peace Corps. I'm on home leave.

Man: Oh China. Isn't there a lot of flooding there now?

Jen: Yeah in some parts. I've gotta go. Here is my mom. Bye.

In China, I always observed that I was perceived as Chinese first and never as American. My Chinese students would always tell me that I could become even more Chinese if I learned the culture and spoke the language, but my white American counterparts even if they lived longer in China, spoke better Chinese, and knew the culture better would never be Chinese because of their skin color. I always thought it was absurd because isn't it your actions and language more important than skin color that labels which country you belong to and are a citizen of?

Apparently not.

Even in America, a place that was built by immigrants and slavery, a country that has had to deal with the diversity of its population, my skin color labels me as a foreigner, an immigrant, maybe an illegal, an outsider, not American. Today is there still a perception amongst the US majority that American citizens are white and everyone else isn't? If certain laws start passing across the USA (laws like in AZ " that called for police officers to check a person’s immigration status while enforcing other laws and required immigrants to prove that they were authorized to be in the country or risk state charges"-NYtimes), will I be assumed to be illegal until I can prove that I am not? Will my skin color be used against me? Will I no longer be an American, but be an illegal foreigner until I can prove otherwise?

Lost Jennifer

I can see myself fitting back in with English speakers, finding the people I connect with, creating my own voice to express my thoughts, no longer limited by my Chinese novice language abilities. I can see myself enjoying being able to express myself, instead of always having to censor myself talking only about safe subjects. But right now I feel kind of lost, not exactly sure how to express myself, not sure what my voice wants to say. I feel like my thoughts and voice are like a turtle, slow and hidden away in a shell.

I've for so long tried to fit in the best I can to African and Chinese culture that my individualistic American personality with its freedom to be whomever I want has been forgotten. I don't know who I am as an American, as an individual influenced from within me rather than allowing the peer pressure and cultural norms of a different country to shape who I am. I feel like a waiting silent seed who hasn't bloomed into an individualistic, bold, opinionated American yet. I am still just a quiet observer, making comparisons, and like for the past four years trying my best not to make waves.

Many Americans are not silent. They are opinionated, loud, talkative, create conflict by arguing and defending their thoughts. They are not into creating harmony by sacrificing their beliefs and wants to agree with the majority. I've been practicing creating harmony for four years and have lost my individualistic voice, have lost me.

I was excited to come back to America where there is a freedom to be me, instead of the censored me, but I've forgotten who I am. Instead of being this world traveller with adventure stories, of being a queer liberal American, I am a mute human being who goes through the motions of staying alive. I may be reflective and talkative on paper, but in person I feel like I am on the bottom tiers of Maslow's hierarchy of needs: physiological and safety levels.

Foreigner Hater

Today my counterpart said, "You are good at small talk."
To which I then replied, "Only around Chinese people."

Lately I've been jokingly told that I am a foreigner hater. Here when I use the word "foreigner," I am not talking about the host country nationals, but about us, the foreigners who are visiting China. Why would someone say, "Jen, you are a foreigner hater"? Because in my city I tend to avoid social situations where there will be a lot of foreigners. What? Why?

I think there are several reasons. One, the pool of foreigners is small and just because we are all foreigners doesn't necessarily mean that we are compatible personalities. A lot of the friendships are somehow forced just because we share a common first language. I don't like forcing friendships with foreigners. Another reason is because I am bad at small talk, so I was surprised when my counterpart made her comment.

Why do I mind forcing friendships with foreigners but not mind forcing friendships with host country nationals?

Because I am guest in this country and feel a great interest in learning about the people here, any of the people who are willing to talk to me. When I go back to the USA where the pool of Westerners is huge, I can then find the people I like and want to be friends with. Why force myself to interact with a few native English speakers? I think the difference is, making friends with host country nationals is about the country and culture. They are representatives of China. Making friends with fellow foreigners is about a connection between two personalities, two individuals.

What is the difference between small talk with Chinese people and small talk with foreigners?

Today I went to hot pot with my counterpart and with her friend, a stranger to me. I had no problem barging in and asking personal and friendly questions, but when I am around foreigners I tend to put on the silencer. I think when I am around Chinese people who are trying to improve their English, I go into teacher mode and just try to ask as many questions as possible to get them to use their language skills. With foreigners, I have to become a person, not a teacher. I have to open up and talk, have more of a personal one on one type of interaction with hopes of some type of personal connection with the real me, not the teacher me, the real me, not the censored me. After four years abroad, I have kind of forgotten the uncensored person which makes it hard for me to connect on a personal level with other foreigners. I feel like I am somehow, kind of phony, a shell of a personality. This phony diplomatic representative of Peace Corps knows how to make small talk with Chinese people. The real individual person has been lost and therefore silent around fellow foreigners.

I don't know how to really explain it. Anyone else out there know what I am talking about and maybe can explain it better?

Consequence of Living Abroad

Living abroad for four years, I feel like I have forgotten American mannerisms, culture, ways to socialize except that I haven't really forgotten because it is such a strong part of my core. It is impossible to forget twenty two years of being trained in American culture. So it is a bit strange when I hang out with Americans because I know the customs but can't figure out why they feel a bit awkward. Why do they feel awkward? Why do goodbye hugs feel weird? Why am I socially inept and quiet around American conversations?

It is a paradox.

I yearn for the familiarity, the comfort, and the freedom to be me, an American amongst like minded people, yet that which I desire for some reason is uncomfortable. So then instead of socializing and being friendly, I end up choosing to be alone with my knitting.

Chinese American in China

During my first two days in China, I was lost and voiceless, but I was expected to understand, to talk, to order food like every other Chinese looking person living in China. The pressure drove me further into a hole of hiding. After only one Chinese lesson of reciting a pinyin chart for two hours, I was expected to go out into the streets of Chengdu and order lunch. LUNCH! Food was a simple need to fill my body with nutrients that would rejuvenate and re-energize. It was a simple basic necessity of life, but scavenging for food to fill my rumbling tummy was a task full of my own fear.

Instead of being an independent American, I took the easy way out and followed the foreigners. I fed off the hospitality and patience that their white faces of being outsiders gave them. Instead of being yelled at,instead of being hurried, instead of facing impatient frustrated waiters during the rush hour of lunch trying to feed a billion people, the foreigners were given smiles of sympathy and lots of sign language to indicate cost. Et voila, we were fed. The obvious foreigners and the hospitality of the Chinese people fed me. I didn't have to open my mouth to face the wrath of expectations, expectations that I would be able to understand and fluently speak Chinese just because I looked Chinese. I was an independent American turned into a non-obvious foreigner.

Looking like a Chinese person, I become invisible. I do not have to bear the burden of being stared at every minute of the day or bear the frustrations of being yelled at by complete strangers or obnoxious school children. HALLO! Bye bye! OH KAY! I am instead surrounded by the silence of looking like everyone else. In such a profound silence, I feel peace yet within the quiet, a deep sense of loneliness overwhelms me. I do not belong to this Chinese culture of high heels, flashy feminine fashion, ankle high nylons worn with sandals, of mothers and children, of conformity, traditional values, and harmony. I am an outsider. I walk in a bubble of invisibility and am astonished by the old people in the park doing Tai Chi with swords, old men walking their birds, and fathers holding their daughters over the roots of city trees to pee. In silence, I walk. I observe. I judge. I write about not belonging.

Not only am I alone because I am just another face among the billion, but I am also alone as the Chinese face among a group of foreign faces. I feel the comfort of the familiarity of western culture, the ease of communication, the cultural references, and being among like-minded people, but because of the color of my skin I become a curiosity.

Chinese strangers wonder, “Who is that Chinese person speaking such good English among the foreign guests? Is she their translator?”

Foreign strangers wonder, “Who is that Chinese girl sitting in the group of foreigners? Does she speak English? Maybe we should start speaking Chinese to her first. Maybe we should ignore her because we can't speak Chinese. Maybe we should compliment her on how good her English is.”

It's lonely and often frustrating always correcting everyone's assumptions, always shrugging in confusion because I don't understand, always telling people I don't speak a lot of Chinese, and always being Chinese when I am Chinese American. Instead of asking and finding out who I am, everyone's first assumption is Chinese girl. Why wouldn't it be? I look Chinese. It's isolating being Chinese but not being Chinese.

In America, the instances that I do not feel alone but feel like I belong, are the points in time when my skin color is totally ignored, ignored because we are just good friends enjoying a moment together. However, as a visitor abroad, a visitor in China where everyone looks like me, being able to ignore my black hair and dark skin is near impossible. To have moments in public where my skin is ignored is rare. Maybe everyone else in China is ignoring me, but I cannot ignore my skin, the skin that labels me as Chinese when I can't speak a lot of Chinese. Plus often in those public moments, when my friends are ignoring my skin color, all the strangers around us suddenly start noticing and start to stare.

In Africa, I was correctly assumed to be a visitor, not African. I didn't have to constantly correct people. In China, I am a great unknown with automatic false assumptions being shot at me from every direction. It is strange not belonging anywhere. I'm always in a land of wrong expectations, expectations to speak Chinese, expectations not to speak English, expectations to be Chinese, expectations not to be American. I am in a land of always correcting people. I've given up and just let whatever people think, think it! I am tired, so if you want me to be Chinese, then so be it. I have learned how to be the Chinese person you want me to be and have stopped correcting. I just nod and smile. Yep. Wow, my English is really good. Yep. Sorry you can't understand my Chinese. I must be from a different province. Yep. I'm not really from America. I'm one hundred percent Chinese.

You may be wondering, why does it even matter? Once people get to know you, false assumptions are thrown out the window replaced with fact. Ah, she is Chinese American born in Taiwan adopted by white foreign Americans. Yeah! Why does it matter? In the Tree House English Resource and Community Center I am a teacher, a friend, an advisor, a person to speak English with and a resource to learn about American culture. My skin color doesn't matter anymore. No longer am I incorrectly misnamed but am correctly factually labeled. I become a human being.

In the Tree House, it is true that I feel the most accepted and respected, feel like I belong to a community and don't feel like an outsider. It is a safe haven from false assumptions where the students have made my time in China less lonely. I am no longer an outsider and am more accepted without expectations, but I can't live in the Tree House forever. I have to leave, face the country of false assumptions, and face the invisible silent bubble, but I always know that I can materialize into an actual human being whenever I visit the Tree House. It is a comforting thought to visit a place where I am no longer lonely but actually feel like I belong.

from The Tree House Book by Women Writers

Morning Work

This morning I woke up and did not want to go on a bike ride, but when I opened my inbox, I decided a bike ride would be healthy.

I have never really considered myself an angry personality. I've always been the stereotypical quiet, submissive, voiceless stoic Asian girl who never speaks her mind, rarely with a controversial opinion. Instead when asked for an opinion, I answer with a question. Strong emotions rarely shown, rarely felt, sometimes locked away.

Once while riding down to Portland, a friend asked, "Is there nothing that will make you angry? What if I smoked a cigarette in this car and threw the burning butt out the window which potentially could start a forest fire. Wouldn't that make you angry?" I searched inside and didn't feel any anger towards that scenario.

As I have grown older, had my thoughts challenged, had conflicts with people with different viewpoints, conflicts with people who think they know what is best for me, conflicts with people who tell me what to do and how to do it, I have grown angry. Instead of being the good girl who never creates conflict, I have had to learn to open my mouth and express myself.

The bike ride was good, anger dissipated through sweat and burning muscles; however, I think I will remain silent on this one. Why open a can of worms? There is no point. If I was trying to maintain a friendship or a relationship, then I would say something, but... in this instance there is no point.

Identity Crisis

Lately I have been thinking about the following questions:

1. What is the difference between acting Chinese and being Chinese?
2. Am I acting or am I culturally Chinese?

I asked my students, "Am I American?"

"Yes you are American."

"Will I ever be able to be Chinese?"

"Yes you can. If you work hard. Learn the language and learn the culture."

"Can C (my site mate is Irish American) ever be Chinese?"

"No."

"But what if she works hard, learns the language, and learns the culture?"

I understand my students' point of view. Because my site mate doesn't look Chinese, she will never be able to BE culturally Chinese; however, just because I look Chinese and have Chinese ancestors, even if my site mate spoke the language better than me or knew the culture better, I would always be culturally Chinese and she would never be.

This is my Chinese students' point of view. Mine is quite different because I was raised in America where we try not to define culture by the color of our skin but by our actions and way of thinking.

I believe my culture core is American. I was raised in America, taught how to think in America, how to live, how to be and because my parents are white American, I never had a direct connection to Chinese culture. Instead I was a visitor to Chinese culture. Le, C. N. says it perfectly in his essay, "Adopted Asian Americans,"

"In other words, many adoptive parents were open to cultural exploration, but not racial exploration -- 'Asian-ness' was seen almost like a commodified culture, rather than a racial identity."

I feel my culture core is American just like any other American, born and raised in America. My racial identity is Chinese and because I live in America with a diverse population which for the most part accepts the idea that people of different racial identities are American, I can say I am Chinese American. I look Chinese but am culturally American.

I asked several PC volunteers who live in China, "Do you sometimes act Chinese or are you sometimes Chinese?"

They all answered, "We sometimes act Chinese. Plus the parts of the culture that we admire, we try to bring into our own lives."

If white Americans feel that they often are acting Chinese rather than are culturally Chinese, then I too feel like any other American, acting rather than am culturally Chinese.

I asked another white American who has been living abroad for four years and his answer had a new insight. He said, "Sometimes when I speak the language, I am not acting but am a person of that culture." His language skills are much better than mine.

His answer got me thinking. In Africa I did not feel like I was acting as much as I do here in China. Why is that? In Africa I had stronger language skills. I lived in a French African world where I was able to freely communicate, to live, to work and to socialize using French. I taught in French. I socialized in French. I made friends in French. I shopped in French. Every day my world was filled with French, and often when I would socialize with English speakers it would take me a while to jump start my English to feel comfortable talking again in my native language.

Here in China, I use Chinese at Chinese corner. I use it when I go shopping. I use it at banquets and with some of my Chinese friends whose English is not so strong. In China, I mainly live in an English university environment where I spend the majority of my time communicating in English. It is my job to communicate in English. It is my hobby to learn Chinese.

I believe that if my Chinese was better and if I used it more frequently than I use English I probably would sometimes feel that I am culturally Chinese.

Maybe at the end of next year, I will feel that instead of just acting Chinese, I'll feel that I am Chinese.

The next question I have been thinking about is

Why should my Chinese heritage dictate which culture I should embrace and should be like?

As an American, we have the freedom to embrace any culture we want. If we want to learn about African dance, cool. If we want to learn about Japanese manga and anime, cool. If we want to study the great artists of Europe, cool.

The question came up in response to a commenter's advice

" but instead of simply saying that you are not culturally chinese at all, why not embrace the culture? it'd be harder to do if you are in Africa and are obviously visibly different from everybody else. but genetically and phenotypically, your Chinese lineage is undeniable. you have a wondrous opportunity to rediscover yourself and perhaps redefine who you are."

If a European was born and raised in America, should they embrace and learn about their European culture? If they had an interest in their European culture then cool. If they didn't then that is cool too. So why wouldn't the same logic apply to me? If I am interested in learning about Chinese culture then cool. If not so much, then cool.

If a European was born in America but raised in Europe, should they embrace and learn about American culture? If they had an interest then cool. If they didn't then that would be cool too.

I guess the real questions are

1. How important is it to a person's development to learn about one's culture that is labeled by physical features and genes?
2. How important is it to learn about the culture whose soil you were born upon but not raised in?

I joined Peace Corps to embrace all cultures that I am living in, the Guinean one, the Burkinabe one, the Chinese one. I joined to walk the walk and talk the talk, to try my best to integrate into the community. I joined to learn about myself. I joined to learn about people, our similarities and our differences. I joined to evolve as a human being. I moved to China to learn more about my ancestors and am going through the process of learning about who am I as a Chinese American.

Having an identity crisis is just part of the process.

You're not Chinese?

I came to China to learn how Chinese I really am and have learned well I am not really Chinese.  I am American.

Everyone, foreigners and locals alike right off the bat assumes that I am Chinese.  Even though my fashion is totally not Chinese, but more of a blend of Africa and America, I am labeled Chinese.

I wonder what Japanese and Korean people do when they are automatically assumed to be Chinese. Do they automatically say, "Not Chinese.  Japanese. Korean."?  Instead of just nodding my head pretending I understand, maybe there would be a lot less confusion if I would just automatically responded with, "Not Chinese.  Chinese American."   The problem is even if I say Chinese American, there is still an expectation that I speak Chinese because well I am Chinese.  In the eyes of the people in my small city, Chinese people no matter where they grew up speak Chinese.

but i am NOT Chinese, I AM AMERICAN.  Let's just forget the Chinese part of my label for a little while.

I am American.  How so?

1.  For the obvious reasons language, mannerisms, cultural knowledge and references.

2.  The way I think, analyze, question, solve problems, organize events, is very American.  I like schedules, planning, and having answers.  I understand people taking sides about their strong opinions and defending their ideas.  America is a defensive culture.  In China there is an attitude that every coin has two sides.  Find the balance of two opinions to create harmony.

3.  My attitude towards life is influenced by the privilege I have to choose my own path.  In China, the gender roles are strongly set.  Men have the responsibility to support both their parents and their own family.  Women have the responsibility to get married before 30 and have a child.  It is rare to find anyone out of the billions of people who is not on that path.

4.  I live with a lack of pressure to conform to the majority and live with the freedom to be me because of the laws that say do not discriminate no matter how diverse this person is (even if realistically it doesn't always happen that way).  Because of the influence of Confucianism, China is different.

Even though I am American, I can't ignore the Chinese part of my label because

1.  I look Chinese and have Chinese genes.
2.  I was born in Taiwan.

The Chinese label is part of my identity, but I am not culturally Chinese at all.  I can act the act and be polite in Chinese culture as any good observing foreigner does, but it is an act.  I have a Chinese role on a Chinese stage.  Hidden behind the make-up and costumes is an American.

Why do I write so personally?

When trying to understand myself, I usually think about nature versus nurture. After having a few conversations with my cousins, I have added a new factor to what influences personality and values- outside environmental factors like going to a historically black college and university, living in Seattle, living abroad. For some reason, I hadn't ever really considered how important outside environmental factors are. I always assumed family and one's genetics were the strongest influences especially as a child. I also wrongly assumed that our personalities are strongly formed while we are living with our parents. I think for me, who I was as a teenager was strongly influenced by family. Today who I am as an adult is strongly influenced from outside environmental factors.

Maybe you are wondering, why do I write such personal things on my blog?

1. introspection
2. analyze myself
3. correct the image people have of me

Why so publicly and not in private conversations and emails with people?

1. I don't have a therapist who is paid to listen to me
2. I am not strong at expressing myself with my voice. I tend to talk in two sentence stories and turn the conversations back towards the other person by asking questions.
3. Very few friends are interested in emailing. I have found a new email friend which is fantastic! It is rare to find such friends who communicate through long emails.
4. Because I live abroad, I tend not to be able to talk about everything that is running through my head with host country national friends who make up the majority of my friends.

Why not just journal about the things running through your head?

1. I do journal but it doesn't feel the same as knowing that other people are reading my questioning thoughts.
2. I feel by making my thoughts public, I am less alone. Maybe others also relate to what I write or have some insight about the topic.

Do you stereotype? Are you stereotyped?

In America, as a person of color whose self-identity was strongly connected with a naive high school idea that "I am white," I have had many lessons about how my skin color and physical features make me different. People have certain perceptions about me. People make assumptions and stereotypes about me.

My naive views about diversity were from the point of view of a teenager from white privilege. When talking and thinking about race- Be politically correct. Be color blind. Treat people as equals. Don't be prejudiced. Embrace the diversity of America without dividing it. Don't make stereotypes or assumptions. Ignore color. Clump everyone into the race of humankind.

Then because I physically look Chinese I grew up and realized people are not color blind. We make assumptions and stereotypes. We can say the right things but often internally we are thinking and feeling something quite different. It is hard to treat people as equals. The world divides itself based on race, on culture, on country, on gender, on sexuality, on religion, on class.

I was able to change my teenage white privileged point of view because I was forced to as a person of color, but if I had been a white American I probably would have held onto idealistic teenage views for a long time. What could have pushed me out of my American white majority privileged box?

Diversifying my friends? Reading books? Exposing myself to diverse films, music, and magazines? Talking to people?

Travel. Living in another country and becoming a minority could shake things up. One would realize how natural it is for people to make stereotypes and assumptions about people based on the color of your skin and based on the country you are from. People are not politically correct. People are prejudiced and treat people differently based on skin color.

In China, white Americans are assumed to be energetic, open and religious. They are yelled at in English on the street by strangers and are photographed like super stars by cell phone holding local paparazzi. They are invited to free alcohol and meals. They become a status symbol like owning a fancy expensive car. Skin color starts mattering. One realizes people are not color blind. People are not politically correct. One starts realizing you yourself are not color blind. You also return the stereotypes and assumptions right back to the culture you are living in.

In a country like America where diversity is a norm yet where many of the issues are swept under the rug, maybe more Americans need to travel and feel what it is like to be an American in another country.

Instead of ignoring, trying to be colorblind, and politically correct recognizing and acknowledging differences leads to understanding.

Why did I go to Africa and China?

I went to Africa to live the simple life, back to the bare necessities of life, to find truths that exist without consumerism, excess, salaries of money.

What truths did I learn?

I learned that I can live a happy life with only the bare necessities: food, water, shelter, air and human companionship.

I learned that the peace of such a lifestyle was amazing. I somehow found the root, the source, the rawness of my own heart, of my own breath, of my own soul.

I learned that without money and without a good health care system, life spans are short. For me personally if I was happy and had peace during a short life span, I would be happy dieing at 40 or 50 instead of living till I was 90. If the life had been wonderful, I would die a happy woman; therefore, I do not feel the need to make a lot of money to prolong my life because of a fear of retirement or bad health.

I went to China to discover who am I?
What parts of me are Chinese?
What parts of me are American?
What parts of my personality are due to nature versus nurture?

Have I discovered who I am?

Not really. It is still confusing because instead of comparing myself to my specific family gene pool, I am comparing myself to a nation of Chinese people.

I definitely know that I am strongly American. I can see the differences between my American self and the Chinese culture.

I am still uncertain about which parts of my personality are due to genetics. Do I sacrifice my personal desires for the harmony of the group, for my friendships and relationships because I am genetically Chinese? Why is my lifestyle philosophy so different than my parents and my brother if I was raised in their family? Why am I not religious when they are? Why didn't nurture influence my life path more?

Lifetime alone?

In a recent email to a friend, I wrote, "You sound SUPER DUPER passionate about science, NMR, and research. I am passionate about stuff that I have always been passionate about like drawing, knitting, exploring a new culture, human behavior. None of that though will direct my future after I finish with Peace Corps. What am I going to do?"

His reply was "Today I will provide the secret answer to all your troubles! For free! It's simple: just don't ever go back to the US! Hehe! So what do you think?"

Wow. What do I think? I haven't ever really considered living most of life abroad. Staying in Peace Corps for four and soon to be five years has just been an easy way to continue the lifestyle that I am passionate about. Once Peace Corps is finished though, it will be time to make another life decision.

Is it hard to find work in Europe?

A friend is applying for a UN job in Afghanistan.
Should I try to go to the middle east?

Try another Asian country?

Do I really want to stay abroad for a lifetime?

There are definitely big parts of my identity that have been suppressed for the past 4 years living in traditional cultures. Maybe it is time to return to the states where I can live free rather than repressed.

One argument against living abroad for a lifetime is the difficulty of finding a person to have a relationship with. It is much easier to find a partner in America in the bigger cities that are more open to a diverse group of people who don't fit into traditional boxes.

So another question to think about in the debate about living a lifetime abroad is am I willing to live alone for a lifetime?

My Perfect Happy Life

One of my greatest fears is waking up one morning and realizing that I have somehow walked onto a life path that I was pressured onto because of society's norms, because of responsibility, because of the examples of the good American citizen climbing the career ladder with their white picket fences, mortgaged homes, bank accounts full of money for their children's university degrees and 401Ks for retirement.

In an early Chengdu morning after walking for an hour along the river of fishermen and retired people exercising by the way of sword tai chi I arrived at the downtown shopping mall to a closed doughnut joint that wouldn't open till 9 am. I guess in China, doughnuts are not really a breakfast before work food yet. After spending hours eating doughnuts, drinking coffee, writing, drawing and watching the western pop music of Britney, Madonna, and Christina Aguilera, videos that after living abroad for 4 years seemed extra shocking, I walked back to the PC office along the main drag bombarded by shop after shop, by restaurant after restaurant, a never-ending street of consumerism. I had a whole day to "waste" waiting for a TB test to be checked and waiting for my 9:20 pm train to depart. I sat in the PC office reading books about personality traits defined by genetic coding and personality characteristics defined by learned behavior: What color is your Personality? by Carol Ritberger and Finding Your Own North Star: claiming the life you were meant to live by Martha Beck.

It was a perfect day: walking, observing people, writing, drawing, reading, watching music videos, eating sushi buffet for dinner, experiencing life at a slow pace full of the things I love to do.

Some people say, "Jennifer you are crazy for wanting to stay in Peace Corps for 5 years."

After reading and taking a quiz in the book Finding Your Own North Star, I have realized that I am living the life I am meant to live. I am on my true path, a path guided by my true nature, the joys of the things I love to do, to see, to experience.

Sometimes though I doubt this life I am leading and start worrying about my future, the career I am told that I must have, the money I am told I must make, the security I must save for retirement and poor health.

I haven't figured out how to combine the life I am meant to live with the responsibilities that society warns and pressures me about.

Maybe though I actually don't have to find the balance and if I did find a balance maybe I wouldn't be on the right path, wouldn't be living the life I am meant to live, would actually have to read more self-help books like Finding Your Own North Star from front to back and find a life coach to find my way back to today's life, the one that I am happily living.

Who am I?

Do I have a strong personality?
I feel like I am a silent person
who never says anything,
but then maybe I am not self-aware,
unaware of what is coming out of my mouth,
unaware of people's reactions around me.
I do know that I tend to ask a lot of questions,
questions I think are interesting,
but maybe the questions are
too personal and shocking.
Sometimes strong personalities are those
who don't know when to be quiet
because they are oblivious,
unable to read social cues.

Do I have an emotional personality?
I feel, but I feel softly.

After watching the movie Me and You and Everyone We Know I felt a great sadness while watching the lonely characters wanting to be loved and connected but somehow closed to each other.

Then the next day....

As I was sitting in a speed boat with an empty gas tank, looking up at the red cliffs, I felt the silence of self-reflection: am I closed to love? have i ever loved? been in love? do males and females feel love the same way? how am i not open to love?

Awkward Social Personality

This past week while on vacation up in the Lanzhou area I was surrounded by many different personalities. I got to speak a little French. I got to speak a LOT of speed English. I met a lot of new people from all over the world plus got to know some of the Gansu Peace Corps volunteers (PCV). It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I was part of Peace Corps. While isolated in my city, rather than feeling like a PCV, I feel like a regular foreign teacher just without the salary. I went from feeling isolated from fast English speakers to a week of a lot of socializing.

What factors influence my social personality?
genetics?
culture?
home environment?

My social personality in group situations is often a quiet listener who knits or hides in the kitchen doing dishes, and who tires quickly ready to leave the situation way earlier than everyone else. I tend to do better one on one, but with groups I don't know what to do or how to carry on a conversation. I do better in group situations where something needs to be accomplished, where we are working together with a bit of socializing on the side.

Can I learn to tell stories, to carry on conversations, to be more engaged with people rather than engaged with knitting? I think so. I always believe that a person can learn anything. They might not be the most naturally talented, but they can always try to learn something new. Practice can lead to an improved skill set, social skills could be one of them.

I think part of my social personality has to come from my genetic makeup because I get tired. Getting tired is out of my control. That is chemistry directing my body to tire out when interacting in large groups.

Another part of my social personality comes from American culture. At this moment, I am not exactly sure how American culture influences my social personality. But I know it does. American culture influences a lot of my personality like for example how independent I am. I like shopping alone and don't want people to come with me. In China people rarely go shopping alone. They always are shopping in at least pairs.

How has my family environment influenced my social personality? My father is a great story teller. I wonder why I didn't learn the skills from him. My mother is more of a quiet person; however, my family rarely interacted with other people. I lived on a farm surrounded by land and rode a yellow school bus that picked us up at 6:50 in the morning since we were so far out. We didn't invite people over for dinner parties. We weren't invited either.

Did extroverts have different family environments that taught them how to be social butterflies?

I am theorizing that maybe genetics is the strongest factor for determining our social personalities. What do you think?

Anxiety before Moving to China

As I was sitting in front of a computer in Burkina Faso with an email saying, "Your application to transfer to China has been approved," my greatest anxiety about teaching English in China was I am Chinese American. Would my school accept me? Would they feel disappointed not receiving a stereotypical foreigner? Would they question my native oral English? Would they doubt my ability to teach English?

Arriving at my university in Gansu, I was accepted and welcomed with open arms. I was respected as a person who looks Chinese but who is American. Maybe I had an easy time because my university had paid teachers from the Philippines, so the school was used to the idea of Asian looking foreign teachers teaching English.

One thing that I had not considered was what it would feel like to be assumed to be Chinese and not American by fellow Peace Corps volunteers. I remember eating at a Chinese restaurant in Guinea and wrongly assumed that the African American volunteer was Guinean. I felt my shock at my inappropriate assumption.

While in Chengdu at PST, I was knitting in the lobby of the hotel. Sitting across from me was a white American Peace Corps volunteer.

He started a conversation in Chinese, "Hello. What are you knitting?"

I answered in my broken bad Chinese, "I am knitting a sweater."

Then because I knew he didn't know I was an American Peace Corps volunteer, I started speaking English.

He replied, "Wow your English is very good."

I replied, "Yeah I know."

He grinned and said, "You're a Peace Corps volunteer aren't you?"

Does it bother me that I am not a visible foreigner? Nah. I don't think I care, or do I?

After getting dehydrated from a 7 hour hike under clear sunny skies, I pedalled my bike to the first convenience store and bought a bottle of water. The woman said, "I feel that you are not Chinese. Where are you from?"

What about me caused her to think I wasn't from around these parts? Was it because I was wearing my poorly first ever knitted sweater that adult women rarely wear? In my Chinese city, I see children and men wearing hand knitted items. Students and women wear them a lot less. Was it my hiking gear, a waistpack rarely seen in my city? Actually, it probably was the bike helmet.

In Africa, I tried to blend in, wear African clothes, head wraps, cover my legs and arms. But I could never blend in because I was Chinese American.

In China, I do not try to blend in. I do not wear Chinese fashion. I do not wear my hair long. I do not try to lose weight to be skinny. Instead, I wear African clothes, hand knitted items, skirts that cover my ankles. I dress according to my own style instead of changing my style to fit into this culture. It doesn't matter though, my Asian features negate everything else, and most of the time I am assumed to be Chinese.

Maybe I'll write another blog How do I cope with people's assumptions that I am Chinese?

Stereotypes

Growing up adopted by white parents, I never understood that I was Asian American, that I was racially Chinese. Instead, I was a visitor to Chinese culture. It was something to be studied and learned about. Being Asian American wasn't my identity.

In his article, Adopted Asian Americans, C. N. Le writes "many adoptive parents were open to cultural exploration, but not racial exploration -- "Asian-ness" was seen almost like a commodified culture, rather than a racial identity."

It wasn't until college when I was doing research for a paper about international adoption that I even realized there was a stereotype that Asian women are seen as exotic flowers catering to men's sexual fantasies. Didn't even really start exploring my personal views about yellow fever until I moved to Seattle.

As a child, I never explored my racial identity. When my brother and I at the skating rink or on the school bus were made fun of, I just explained it away as kids being kids, mean and stupid, focusing their insults on things that made us different. Everyone had something different to be made fun of glasses, hairdos, slanted eyes, flat noses. I was just like any other kid who had something unique about them, fuel for the insult fire. I considered my Asian features as a physical feature. I didn't understand how those Asian features gave people fuel to make stereotypical assumptions about me.

As an adult I was forced to start understanding my racial identity in relation to the world, in relation to me.

Are people dating me because they have yellow fever? What are people's first impressions of me because of the color of my skin: submissive, quiet spoken, unemotional, stoic, nerdy, anti-social, socially inept? Or is it really my personality, does my personality actually re-affirm the stereotypes?

At the Tree House the other night, we talked about stereotypes.

The Chinese female students told me the following stereotypes:

Americans are very open.
Africans are strong.
Japanese women obey their husbands.
Japanese men work a lot.
Korean women are beautiful.

Chinese women are traditional, only want to find a good husband, and believe their children are always right and will defend them no matter what.

Chinese men are the responsible bread winners of the family and are required to support everyone. They are jealous and control their wives social activities forbidding them from talking and socializing with other men.

I was surprised that the stereotypes listed were not the stereotypes that Americans have about Asian people. It was eye-opening. I wonder if Chinese people make assumptions about me from their point of view about Chinese women or with a viewpoint that I am Chinese American and therefore maybe different, maybe an open traditional woman?

Then somehow we got onto the topic of gay marriage. According to the Chinese students, in America it is legal for gay people to marry. One girl explained that many Chinese people believe that a person's family, background, and social circumstances caused the person to be gay. It is not genetic. She said, "I'm trying to find the scientific evidence that it is genetic, but can't."

Conversations definitely lead to insight about a different culture.