Lost Jennifer

I can see myself fitting back in with English speakers, finding the people I connect with, creating my own voice to express my thoughts, no longer limited by my Chinese novice language abilities. I can see myself enjoying being able to express myself, instead of always having to censor myself talking only about safe subjects. But right now I feel kind of lost, not exactly sure how to express myself, not sure what my voice wants to say. I feel like my thoughts and voice are like a turtle, slow and hidden away in a shell.

I've for so long tried to fit in the best I can to African and Chinese culture that my individualistic American personality with its freedom to be whomever I want has been forgotten. I don't know who I am as an American, as an individual influenced from within me rather than allowing the peer pressure and cultural norms of a different country to shape who I am. I feel like a waiting silent seed who hasn't bloomed into an individualistic, bold, opinionated American yet. I am still just a quiet observer, making comparisons, and like for the past four years trying my best not to make waves.

Many Americans are not silent. They are opinionated, loud, talkative, create conflict by arguing and defending their thoughts. They are not into creating harmony by sacrificing their beliefs and wants to agree with the majority. I've been practicing creating harmony for four years and have lost my individualistic voice, have lost me.

I was excited to come back to America where there is a freedom to be me, instead of the censored me, but I've forgotten who I am. Instead of being this world traveller with adventure stories, of being a queer liberal American, I am a mute human being who goes through the motions of staying alive. I may be reflective and talkative on paper, but in person I feel like I am on the bottom tiers of Maslow's hierarchy of needs: physiological and safety levels.