tack me to the Wall

Today my sitemate gave me the book the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky. I have only read like 4 pages and am already identifying with this kid who is still in high school and who is a boy. I mean, I am 32, grownup, and am a woman, what does it mean that I am identifying with some high school kid?

I am kind of scared to go on.

The first few pages have already talked about some heavy stuff and the other night at writing club I was writing about some heavy stuff and I am like scared of all this heavy stuff, heavy stuff that is the kind of stuff that sometimes goes on in my head.

Before reading on and figuring out why the author named the book as he did, I decided that I might as well write about what I think the perks of being a wallflower are. I label myself as a wallflower and personally struggle with this problem more so in the states than abroad; although, this holiday season has put me face to face with my wallflower personality as I decline invitation after invitation and debate whether or not to decline three more invitations to parties at the end of this week. I am being a BIG FAT scrooge.

Even just in the opening paragraph I identify with the protagonist who writes, " I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist."

I know these people exist coz well I am one of them, but there are nights when I am like I don't want to be one of them. I want to be that other person who is the life of the party, flirts, and makes out. I try so hard sometimes to be someone that I am not trying so hard to break out of my shell, forcing myself to socialize, believing that with practice I'll be able to leave the wall. But alas, my all out attempts as I swallow my fear and try to be the life of the party often end in disaster.

I wrote this poem years ago

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Saturday, May 21, 2005

Were you ever shy?

If you were ever shy
always sitting against a wall
amongst a crowd of butterflies
afraid to let go of your protective wall
of silence
rarely flirting that would lead to a much
desired make out session
always going hoping to connect
but always leaving feeling dejected

Well then
come to my school of wallflowers
and
we will learn to be social together.

May we help each other out.

Tonight I am going to a party full of dancing, sexy people.
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Umm, yeah, sooo, don't come to my school of wallflowers. That party ended in disaster sending me back into my shell for a long long time. Run! Claim that you are tired, leave the party unfashionably early and run. Run in the opposite direction of all get togethers.

So yeah perks, what are the perks of being a wallflower?

Well I can stay in my shell and avoid things that I don't feel like doing. I can claim that my anti-social skills are because I am a wallflower and can hide inside this weird, quiet, hate talking on phones loner. It is safe hiding behind the wallflower persona.

It is really weird though, coz I am not someone who hides. I am a teacher. I do presentations. I join sports teams and start clubs. In school I raise my hand. I have traveled and lived across the globe. I face the things I fear, yet under certain circumstances I hide and say yep, that's just me the wallflower. It's like an excuse and a way to keep everybody away from me when I don't want to be social or friendly.

I guess that is kind of a perk. Right?

Another perk would be, as a wallflower, I attract wallflowers. So being a wallflower isn't always lonely. Being a wallflower is just lonely when the room is full of flirty social butterflies. Sitting quiet in intimate conversations with a fellow wallflower is nice. There is a connection. I like my fellow wallflowers.

It is only 9 pm. I guess I should get back to the book.