Random Thoughts: Grading and Knitting

In the USA, people use sugar cubes. In China people use sugar rock candy.

I don't like knitting lace because I don't know how to fix it when I mess up. I was 1/3rd done with a snowflake sock and decided to pull it out.

Currently I am knitting a plain sock with a decorative ribbed length wise stripe; however, I am getting ugly ladders where the 3 needles meet each other. Because it is ugly, I have learned a new technique where you tug on the second stitch after the needle change to tighten up the first stitch at that joint.

The current sock has been troublesome because I am knitting it as a present. I feel it needs to be almost perfect for it to be wearable. I on the other hand tend to wear my own knitted goods even if they are not the most perfect, but as a gift if the finished product isn't good, it will sit in a drawer. I have pulled it out 5 times already, attempting different decorative patterns and have tried a recently learned technique called the short row heel. My first attempts have been very very holey.

I am also grading. Here is my current dilemma. In China a grade of 60 is passing. Out of my 120 students the highest grade has been a 98 and the lowest is a 45 with an average of 80. Four out of 128 students have failing grades. I hate failing students. I don't mind scaling but with a high grade of 98 what is the best way to scale? What to do? Maybe I just have to come to terms with the idea that some of my students will fail.

My First Sweater: The Neck

The pattern I am using is a fill in the blank pattern with very few instructions and is a top down, knit in the round sweater pattern.

The pattern is called The Incredible, Custom-fit Raglan Sweater by Pamela Costello.

I am not exactly sure if it is a good pattern for a first sweater because it doesn't really give you many specific details like how to finish the edges. At this time with about 10 rows on my needles, I feel like the pattern will give me the bulk of the sweater but the rest, the fine details, not so sure about. Since I don't have a knitting mentor, it is a little difficult figuring out the fine details with my limited experience.

For example, currently my collar is rolling up. What if I wanted a collar that was ribbed? How do I do that? When do I do that?

Also, I am trusting the blanks and the math. I am not sure what the final measurements of this sweater is going to be. It is a mystery. Will it be too small? Will it be too big? Will it be just right?

Here are the starting measurements for the neck which will be changed if the sweater fits funny. I am not afraid of ripping out a project that I have been working on for days. I want a wearable piece of clothing.

Needle: US 5
Gauge: 5.83 st/in
Neck-size 15"
Total neck stitches 88

The neck is a bit complicated and at first I didn't understand the instructions that you begin knitting back and forth and not in the round. It was my first rip out.

I am also hoping that I understood correctly that the increases only happen on the knit side which I am assuming is the right side of the fabric. I am also assuming that after casting on the center front stitches, I should start knitting in the round.

Also, there are several types of ways to increase. Which way is best for a raglan sweater? Does it matter? I am currently using the knit two stitches in one stitch increase instead of a yarn over increase.

Stay tuned for more updates on how this sweater is going and how often I rip it out and change something.

Which needles to pack?

I will be living out of a bag for a month or so.

I do not like packing for winter travel. Winter clothes take up so much space!

How many tops?
I am bringing one super bulky sweater because it is a good fit and shape to copy for a sweater I will be knitting.

How many pairs of pants?

In winter because of the layers one does not have to wash clothes as much. Just need to wash all of the long underwear.

Also, which knitting supplies do I need to bring? What are the minimal number of needles?

Well what kind of projects might I do on this trip?
1. Raglan Sweater (circular needles)
2. Socks (DPN size 0 and 1)
3. Hats (DPN and circular size 8?)
4. Scarves (DPN size 10)

If you were going to be away from your knitting supplies for a month, which needles would you bring?

Weekend Errands

Yesterday I spent all day learning how to knit a different heel, a short row heel that is. It is always fun learning something new and the nice thing about knitting is one can see the progress.

Today I washed my backpack from Africa and the water turned dark red with all of the dust from Africa.

Then I went out.

I tried on 10 pairs of pants and either they were too baggy, too tight, too decorative with ribbons and pointless pockets, or too expensive. It was a 70% off sale though. So instead I bought a really cool jacket for $10.

Then I went to my usual barber with a desire to chop it all off, but the main guy wasn't there. No one wanted to try to cut my hair into the unique non-Chinese style pictured in the photographs I brought. Maybe fate is telling me, "Don't cut your hair short."

Twiddling my Thumbs

This week has been a week of sitting, waiting for my students to take their final. It feels like the rest of the volunteers are finished and on holiday already. Even my students say their friends in other cities are already back home for the winter break. My finals will be next Monday, my sitemate's next Wednesday and the last final for the students will be on the 19th of January. We will then have a month off and school will start the 1st of March.

What does one do in a city while one waits?

1. Go to a bakery and do sudoku and crossword puzzles, not me personally since I don't really like doing puzzles but go with the puzzle doer and hang out.
2. Go to BBQ and eat sticks of lamb and chicken wings using free plastic gloves provided to protect your hands from the grease.
3. Buy more yarn and knit scarves. Start knitting socks with a friend's huge yarn stash.
4. Plan winter break travel to Yunnan and Lijiang.
5. Cook lentil, potato, pork soup.
6. Have a Tree House worker party for students and play Steal the Present (White Elephant).
7. Watch anything by Neil Gaiman.
8. Get a massage where the next day your whole back is tender. What does that mean? During the massage it felt great. After the massage, I felt pain.

Pictures

Since I don't post many pictures nor take pictures other than knitting, I thought you might enjoy this link that an RPCV (returned Peace Corps volunteer) recently suggested.

Why do I only take pictures of knitting? Well, my camera is finicky and I have to fiddle around with the lens which is easy to do in a house with a knitted good that just sits there. Taking pictures out in the real world is nearly impossible with my broken camera.

Wacky Colors

Using a simple sock pattern by Kim Goddard, I have wiped out my yarn stash except for two balls of beautiful Noro sent to me by a friend and 8 balls of blue to be made into a sweater.

Knitting fair isle socks makes for some crazy looking socks, socks that you would never ever see in a department store. I love how they fit though and how they are super warm. I love knitting them.

But they sure are a bit wacky.

I am not sure I like knitting fair isle because after finishing the toe, I have to turn the sock inside out and sew 30 freaking yarn ends. That is annoying. Experienced knitters, any advice? Do I just have to suck it up or is there a secret shortcut? Help me out.

Learning to Knit & Learning to Live in China

I have bought the yarn for my first sweater.

It is blue. I bought 1.5 jin which is 750 grams for a total of 60 RMB ($10). The saleswoman said 500 grams would me enough, but the store only had 750 grams of this particular color so I bought too much fearing the need to knit two more inches and the store running out of that color. It is better to be safe than sorry.

When I told the woman I was knitting my first sweater, she asked, "blah or blah?"

I knew she was asking what type of yarn for what type of sweater but I just couldn't understand the new vocabulary. She pointed me to two types of yarn. Preferring to make a lighter sweater than a heavier one, I was finally able to find the right combination of vocabulary words to convey my desire, "Well if it isn't too cold, which yarn is best?"

As I was handing the woman my 100 RMB bill, she said, "Last year your Chinese was terrible. This year it is better."

Wow.

As I was walking home, I realized how this year has been a long process of learning: lots of trial and error, lots of mistakes, lots of failed attempts at trying to communicate, lots of patience mixed with frustration, lots of lessons on how to face failure and try again.

I remember sitting on my couch with 4 double pointed aluminum needles in my hand reading a book that said bend the needles into a circle. The needles didn't feel very sturdy and I thought well I guess they might be bendable. So I took one straight needle and bent it into an L. I quickly realized physically bending a straight knitting needle was not what the book meant. I sat there looking at my four bent needles unable to knit with them thinking, "That's just great. Tonight's attempt at learning how to knit in the round has been put to rest until I can go out and buy some new needles."

I remember looking and looking for yarn that would felt, buying large amounts, knitting huge bags, only to end up with a finished un-felted stretched out product. I would spend frustrated moments trying to explain to the saleswoman that I wanted 100% wool that when washed in hot water gets smaller. She would point. I would choose a color and then would spend hours knitting a bag that would not felt. I'd go back to the store and try again and again and again making my stash larger and larger with wool that would not felt. Finally, I had to learn to give up my independent ways and just ask a Chinese student to come and help. By then I had also learned to buy the smallest ball and test it. Et voila, after what seemed like a thousand attempts I had found yarn that would felt.

I remember buying yarn for a shawl in the fluorescent store lights and ending up with an ugly color that was unwearable in the sunlight.

Today's yarn buying for my first sweater was like making an A on a pop quiz.

1. I was able to communicate and get the right yarn.
2. I took the yarn out into the sunlight to see the real color.
3. I bought more than enough yarn to finish a sweater. (I hope.)
4. I was able to trust the experienced saleswoman with whom I have been having ongoing communication lessons and battles through my knitting experiments.

Learning how to knit and buy yarn in China has been an education in more ways than just learning how to form fabric from string.

Just another day

Today has just been another day.

I drank a nescafe mix adding chocolate and more instant coffee, eating Xian hostel's Christmas cookies.

I typed up a roster of 120 students and calculated their 30% participation grades that included grades for a notebook and a presentation. I am waiting for them to take their finals next Monday.

I started another sock. My yarn is running really low. I have no full balls and therefore will be knitting a very colorful sock with the yarn I have left.

I washed clothes and mopped the floor.

I am irked that my brown heavy corduroy pants bought last year have two holes poking through the back pockets. But hey since it is cold and I am always wearing long underwear I guess the holes don't really matter. It does make me feel a bit grungy though and the holes will probably only get bigger as I trek around China during the winter break. It is better to totally wear through clothes, getting one's money's worth. They were $20 and I am just irked that they were so expensive and already falling apart.

I also bought a plane ticket. Instead of going to Harbin, now I will be traveling to Yunnan and Sichuan Provinces. The student who is doing post graduate school in Harbin will be going home for Spring Festival, so I won't be traveling to that freezing cold place.

What is planned for the rest of the day?

• letter writing and thank you cards
• yarn shopping
• stopping by the English department to pick up DVDs for my class tomorrow and cassette tapes to record the final on
• making photocopies of PC paperwork
• cooking an omelet with cheese that some friends bought in Xian and gave to me

Visitors

Blogging has been at a standstill because a whirlwind week full of shopping, eating, and touring my city and Xian occurred as friends from the US and Taiwan whom I had met in Africa came to visit filling my apartment with laughter and joy, allowing me to also glimpse into the window of the future, life in the USA.

Beautiful Memories of the Week

1) Getting to have special moments with each person whether it be knitting together, taking a hike down and up a valley, sharing stories before falling asleep, or having an interested person ask questions about tiny details about my life in China was really warming to the heart.

2) Events that could have been full of anger and unhappiness like waiting in a freezing airport for two hours for a late plane that would only take 30 minutes to fly to Xian or riding a bumpy 3.5 hour bus ride after eating food at the railway station were instead turned into hours of laughter, funny observations and good stories.

3) Realizing that my Chinese has become more confident and has improved over the year as I was the tour guide and translator was wow, made me feel happy.

My guests were wonderfully easy to entertain, feed, and house. They brought kindness, laughter, and compassion into visiting China. They were extremely grateful and all I can do to show my own gratitude is to say Thank You.

Butter

After sitting in the Tree House for a couple hours then unable to hail a taxi, I took a bus to one of the American middle school teacher's flat and spent a pleasant Christmas Eve under the glow of the tall plastic Christmas tree gorging myself with butter. Mashed potatoes, salmon, and broccoli were prepared and Christmas cookies were served as dessert. Food tasted amazing. I had forgotten how butter is just so delicious.

The hostess gave me a beautiful basket that will be perfect for stashing yarn. It was full of edible goodies and I handed out tea cozies, bookmarks, and cards that entitled the bearer to a free knitted gift of their choice.

I find it a bit hypocritical of me handing out trinkets that fill people's houses with stuff. I don't like filling my house with stuff, and I don't like receiving stuff. Food is a perfect gift, but tea cozies and bookmarks are just plain crap, beautiful crap, but none the less crap. Why do I do it? Why? I don't like receiving such things so why do I give them out?

Well,

1. What does one do with small balls of yarn but to make small trinkets?
2. I have to keep my hands moving which results in a ton of homemade clutter.

Anyways, now I am tired and am ready for bed.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

A Wallflower and December Parties Galore

It started in November with a Thanksgiving dinner

then December arrived.....

Beer pong night
Hanukkah lighting of candles
Tree House Christmas party for the campus
Chinese friends' Christmas hot pot with two cakes
Swedish Advent Coffee
English Department's Christmas Banquet
English Department's Holiday Performance
Christmas Eve dinner
Christmas Day brunch
Boxing Day party

Of the 11 invitations, I only went to 6 of them.

In perks of being a wallflower, chbosky wrote, "Sometimes people use thoughts to not participate in life."

I participate in life. I just don't participate in every single thing. I am a home body, enjoy being close to home and want to turn in early. I don't like walking empty streets at night or taking a taxi back to campus. In Africa I never went dancing because of the problem of how to get back home safely. So yeah I guess my thoughts and fears of being out late keep me from participating, but also my body keeps me from participating in a night life. During social events especially ones held at night, my energy drops drastically. If you want to get up at 5 am and go for a run or lift weights, I am wide awake, but if you want to party and laugh the night away I am not the gal for that.

I participate in things that I like to do in life.

I like dressing up in costumes and even if I don't know how to put on makeup, I will attempt to do it. The time I tried to draw vines all over my face using black eyeliner or the time I tried to paint big eyelashes like in Clockwork Orange or do the makeup of Dr. Frank-N-Furter or glue on a fake beard always looked super amateurish and not very cool but hey I like dressing up.

I like coloring with oil pastels and will do 20 paintings of the same scene never getting better coz umm... my art has never been through an art class and is a bit like that of a 4 year old child. You should see how I colored my Christmas stocking or how I cut out gingerbread cookies freehand when I didn't have a cookie cutter. At least, I have supportive friends who don't judge.

I like to dance and have no idea how I look.

I like to learn about different cultures and interact with the local community. I rarely decline offers even if I know it might be boring. It is the way to start integrating into the local community and to make new friends.

I participate in things I like to do in life.

After reading, Salinger's Catcher in the Rye in high school, I vowed never to be phony, never to have phony conversations that fill time and space, never to kiss up to the big wigs. I think this is why in America, I have a hard time making small talk and have a hard time creating a professional network. This is why parties full of strangers is not for me. Most of the time in order to get to know a stranger at a party, small talk has to be made. One can't just dive right into intimate topics.

This strong dislike for small talk only exists when I am in America. For some reason, in an international community, I almost never have problems with the idea of just chatting the time away about nothing important. It is a way to practice my language skills and plus living in other countries, I am a visitor who feels I should "in Rome do as the Romans do." In China and West Africa, small talk and sitting for hours talking about the weather are important aspects in being part of a community. In America, I am an American and can make my own rules on how to be an American. Internationally I feel the push to conform and respect the norms, traditions, and culture of the place I am visiting.

I do think a lot, but I don't think that I am like chbosky's wallflower who thinks too much failing to participate in life. There are times when thinking gets the best of me and my anxiety rises, but in order to cope with that I just ask myself the question, "What is the worse that can happen?"

I answer, take a deep breath and get through whatever it is that is causing my anxiety.

How to always be loved

The desire to be loved is strong.
The desire to be accepted is strong.
Conformity often results.
To be different one must be ready to accept criticism and judgement.
One must be strong enough not to be loved.

Even when people attempt to be unique individuals,
are they really?
Since the world is united in the human experience,
what is being done today has been done before and will be done again.
Is anything really unique?

But the real question is how do you find you, the inner you, the you who is truly you, not the you influenced by them, by the past, by pain and rejection?

How do you find you?

By sitting in silence listening to yourself?
By writing and exploring the inner you?
By connecting to the love and joy created by you and you alone?

I walk around in a black skirt with an embroidered big red flower, the hem dragging on the ground being kicked and tripped over by my well-used scruffy boots, and the students gasp in admiration when I walk into the classroom. But it was the fun and joy I felt before entering the stage of 62 eyes that I knew that the skirt was truly me. I love the way the skirt moves with me, and in realizing that I am in love, I find me.

I wonder though, if the class had gasped in horror, would I be strong enough not to be loved, to continue wearing the skirt I love but others hate?

Maybe to find the true you, all you have to do is create. Instead of wearing and buying items from the mass produced, create your own world according to you.

The skirt was made in Africa according to my instructions. I created something that was me.

I knit and often feel that my color combinations are all wrong. Wrong because in the world of mass production, I have never seen that color combination? Maybe the colors I decide to combine are actually right, are the colors I am truly feeling in that moment, but the fear of rejection makes me doubt the combined colors?

When I was in high school, how was I a Spinelli Stargirl, a girl who is so in tune with what she loves and is so confident being herself that she ignores peer pressure? To be herself, she is strong enough not to be loved by the people who judge her, the people who want her to be normal like everyone else.

1. For Valentine's I stayed up all night making homemade cards for my classmates.
2. During sports games and camps, I was the lone voice who continuously cheered and even during basketball camp got picked by the head coach to move to his gym because my voice wouldn't stop, a lone cheering voice amongst hundreds of girls.
3. During 11th grade prom, I brought my dad.
4. During 12th grade prom I spent the whole night on the dance floor, most of the time on an empty dance floor, sometimes joined by other dancers. I asked the boys who didn't bring a date to dance, but was only met in silence.

Have I lost the Spinelli Stargirl now that I am 32?

I have gotten lazy, and instead of doing and creating, I get lost in watching.

I love kung fu.
I love riding my bike.
I love spreading color on paper with my fingers.
I love meeting people from a different culture.
I love exploring a city.

But currently I am stuck in my apartment full of excuses.

The weather is too cold.
I am too tired.
The weather is too cold.
I love knitting, and therefore, spend almost all of my free time knitting at the sacrifice of other loves.

Watching media is one hurdle I face when looking for me to love, but my biggest struggle comes when I am with a partner. I cannot bear being unloved. I conform to their ideas, to their wants, to their needs, all because I want their love and have forgotten my own love for myself. Loving myself is sometimes so hard especially when there is another person in the picture loving me. Instead of living off the love created by myself, I tend to live off the love that the other person gives. Another person's love isn't very reliable.

Jen, you've got to find your inner Stargirl and keep her close. If you can hear her, then you will always be loved.

tack me to the Wall

Today my sitemate gave me the book the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky. I have only read like 4 pages and am already identifying with this kid who is still in high school and who is a boy. I mean, I am 32, grownup, and am a woman, what does it mean that I am identifying with some high school kid?

I am kind of scared to go on.

The first few pages have already talked about some heavy stuff and the other night at writing club I was writing about some heavy stuff and I am like scared of all this heavy stuff, heavy stuff that is the kind of stuff that sometimes goes on in my head.

Before reading on and figuring out why the author named the book as he did, I decided that I might as well write about what I think the perks of being a wallflower are. I label myself as a wallflower and personally struggle with this problem more so in the states than abroad; although, this holiday season has put me face to face with my wallflower personality as I decline invitation after invitation and debate whether or not to decline three more invitations to parties at the end of this week. I am being a BIG FAT scrooge.

Even just in the opening paragraph I identify with the protagonist who writes, " I just need to know that someone out there listens and understands and doesn't try to sleep with people even if they could have. I need to know that these people exist."

I know these people exist coz well I am one of them, but there are nights when I am like I don't want to be one of them. I want to be that other person who is the life of the party, flirts, and makes out. I try so hard sometimes to be someone that I am not trying so hard to break out of my shell, forcing myself to socialize, believing that with practice I'll be able to leave the wall. But alas, my all out attempts as I swallow my fear and try to be the life of the party often end in disaster.

I wrote this poem years ago

____________________________________

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Were you ever shy?

If you were ever shy
always sitting against a wall
amongst a crowd of butterflies
afraid to let go of your protective wall
of silence
rarely flirting that would lead to a much
desired make out session
always going hoping to connect
but always leaving feeling dejected

Well then
come to my school of wallflowers
and
we will learn to be social together.

May we help each other out.

Tonight I am going to a party full of dancing, sexy people.
____________________________________

Umm, yeah, sooo, don't come to my school of wallflowers. That party ended in disaster sending me back into my shell for a long long time. Run! Claim that you are tired, leave the party unfashionably early and run. Run in the opposite direction of all get togethers.

So yeah perks, what are the perks of being a wallflower?

Well I can stay in my shell and avoid things that I don't feel like doing. I can claim that my anti-social skills are because I am a wallflower and can hide inside this weird, quiet, hate talking on phones loner. It is safe hiding behind the wallflower persona.

It is really weird though, coz I am not someone who hides. I am a teacher. I do presentations. I join sports teams and start clubs. In school I raise my hand. I have traveled and lived across the globe. I face the things I fear, yet under certain circumstances I hide and say yep, that's just me the wallflower. It's like an excuse and a way to keep everybody away from me when I don't want to be social or friendly.

I guess that is kind of a perk. Right?

Another perk would be, as a wallflower, I attract wallflowers. So being a wallflower isn't always lonely. Being a wallflower is just lonely when the room is full of flirty social butterflies. Sitting quiet in intimate conversations with a fellow wallflower is nice. There is a connection. I like my fellow wallflowers.

It is only 9 pm. I guess I should get back to the book.

To Do List

Knitting and doing laundry on a cold sunny winter day with ice water coming out of the taps is not a good combination.

It has been a productive morning:

1. Washed sheets, socks, and undergarments
2. Worked on a Christmas Powerpoint presentation
3. Started using my last two balls of yarn to knit red and gray striped socks
4. Washed dishes
5. Boiled fresh noodles to eat with tomato pork sauce (After Africa where I ate spaghetti constantly, I have not been able to bring myself to cook the wonderful dish. The other night though I watched Costanza eating a mouthful of spaghetti. So tempting!)
6. Wondered if drinking noodle water is unhealthy. Every noodle shop serves it as a hot drink.
7. Watched a cute knitting animated short, "The Last Knit." Like me, she just needs more yarn (youtube or youku clip)

Start a Library

If you ever want to start a library for your college campus in China, here are a few books that our students tend to enjoy, books that continue being checked out several times a semester. Our students want to read the classics and often Pride and Prejudice, Tom Sawyer, Uncle Tom's Cabin, Dickens, and Hemingway are checked out; however, I kind of find it hard to believe that any of those books are finished cover to cover. They are difficult.

Instead these books are more accessible and interesting to our students.

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume
Are you there God? It's me Margaret by Judy Blume
Out of the Dust by Karen Hesse
The Spiderwick Chronicles by Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizzi
Heartbeat by Sharon Creech
Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech
Witches by Roald Dahl
His Dark Materials Series by Philip Pullman
The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom
Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer
The Good Women of China by Xinran Xinran

Also, the Illustrated Classics are a good compromise to the unabridged classics. A lot of our students will read Oliver Twist the Great Illustrated Classic.

One may think that Harry Potter would be a great selection of books. We have the whole series; however, it is hard for students, too many strange words.

We might be writing another grant to get more books, any other suggestions?

Christmas: We waited an hour.

Tonight we had a low-key Christmas party for the students of the college.

We spent 2 hours shopping for candy, sunflower seeds, and a Christmas movie. Found the food, didn't find a Christmas movie, but as Christmas tradition dictates and even though it had no subtitles, we decided to show ELF again this year, our one and only Christmas movie. Okay I lied. We do have Home Alone, but it has been seen a million times in China. Last year only like 5 students showed up to watch it.

We hung signs up on Thursday.

Free Tree House Movie
5 pm Reading Competition Awards Ceremony, Christmas Singing, and Stocking Making
6 pm Movie

At 5 pm with Christmas music blaring, Santa hats donned, craft supplies waiting, and sacks of candy and sunflower seeds ready to be given out, we stood in an empty classroom wondering, "Where is everyone?" We had already postponed the party from Friday to Saturday due to the claims that everyone would be too busy on Friday because of the National exams on Saturday.

Saturday arrived and no one showed.

But because we are experienced volunteers we knew, if you wait long enough someone will come.

At 6 pm, with 6 students we started making paper stockings, using yarn to sew up the seams and markers to decorate.

At around 6:30 people started showing up. Sophomores, juniors, and seniors had just finished up their National exam, but very few freshmen made an appearance. Apparently a performance rehearsal was suddenly scheduled and many of our students were required to attend that. We still had a good showing, not too big, not too small just right of about 50 students.

We cut out, sewed, and decorated Christmas stockings and Santa's elves visited filling them with candy. We lit candles passing the flame from one candle to the next as "O Holy Night" played in the background and then sang "Silent Night."

Last we watched ELF.

Thankfully, with a little bit of patience, an empty classroom turned into a Christmas celebration.

Organizing my Flat and Knitting Fears

Winter Cleaning

After watching a youtube tour of a China PC volunteer's flat, I was like whoah, "His place looks organized and not cluttered. Why is my flat so messy?"

Yeah, why is my flat so messy? I have not bought much since arriving in China except for yarn. My house does fill with gifts from students plus all of the newly finished knitted goods. So even though I don't spend much money my house does fill with stuff. I am not a decorator yet my house is full of brightly colored Chinese embroidery hangy things and hand crafted wall hangings that sit on my chairs because well I don't know how to hang anything on these concrete walls.

I prefer having fewer possessions than more because the more possessions you have the more things you need to buy to organize and store your possessions in. Without cabinets, closets, and shelves, a house full of things will look like a tornado hit it. This is how my apartment looks at the moment, but I do have cabinets, drawers, closets and shelves. They are just empty, so I am working on filling them and organizing my things.

I don't know why I am not a neat person because my brain tends to be an organized brain. I love charts, tables, and diagrams. I like turning complicated concepts into simple pictures. When I was studying for my various graduate school exams, I would file all of my study notes into a binder including a table of contents and dividers. So why am I not like my brother who has a super neat and organized house? Why do I like piles? Why don't I like folding my clothes and putting them away? Why does my desk fill with stuff, a bowl and chopsticks, a tea cup, a Nalgene bottle, five knitting projects, pens, and paper, a battery, knitting supplies, and balls of yarn? It is chaos!

Anyways, I am doing a winter cleaning.

Time to Knit a Sweater

As my stash disappears into knitted socks, hats, ear warmers, scarves, and cup cozies, it is time to start thinking about buying yarn and finding a sweater pattern.

Ugh!

Sweater patterns are easy to find. I like simple. I like one color. I like v-necks. I like sweaters that I can wear a collared shirt under and look professional.

Yarn shopping though!
Super ugh!

I hate yarn shopping. I hate picking out colors. I don't know how to pick out the right yarn weight or fiber for a pattern, and figuring out which yarn matches which pattern seems like an impossible daunting task.

I don't want to look like a fat sausage because of a color, yarn, pattern combination. So then should I knit a loose sweater? What? And add 2 pounds to my hibernating winter eating figure? Ugh....

The experienced knitters say, "Look, just take one for the team and knit your first sweater."

"Fine! Fine!" I declare with a sense of argh, "I'll knit one."

Winter break is coming and long train rides to Chengdu and Harbin are in my near future.

Anyone want to go yarn shopping?

I didn't know

I am out of the loop.

This morning I was out of the loop coz I had no idea that I would be biking to school in the dark. When did the sun stop coming up by 7 am? Or maybe the sun was hidden by unseen clouds which I couldn't see in the dark?

During today's class I was out of the loop coz I thought maybe today was the last class of the semester, but then learned by a raise of hands that we have another one in two weeks. Hmm... What about January?

After class I was out of the loop coz it was snowing. I missed the weather report that there would be snow. It was the first time in my entire life that I have ever biked in snow. That was umm... fun.... snowflakes blinding me.

Wake up! You can't be a volunteer forever.

When I was sitting in downtown Seattle at a coffee shop looking out the window as the people were rushing home after work, waiting for a friend to finish up with his job, and writing my thoughts about future African adventures, it never occurred to me that I would be overseas for 4 years. I thought I'd be in Africa for 2 and then return to the states in mass confusion trying to determine what to do next. 2 years in Africa was a short postponement of starting a career, a career life I have never dreamed of having, but due to societal norms feel the pressure to have.

Instead I have made a career out of living overseas. 4 years is a long time. In four years, life changing evolutions happen as teenagers move away from home, live on their own for the first time and graduate from college. In four years, personalities evolve as they finish working on a masters or a PhD living in a totally different city than the little traditional ones of their hometowns. In four years, somehow people grow, change, form new habits and new opinions.

I have a friend who after three years overseas has finally changed her tune and now instead of wanting to be a nomad traveling across the world wants to settle down, wants a wife, security, a health plan, and a retirement plan. Why hasn't this happened to me? We're both the same age.

Four years overseas has made me into a SUPER wallflower. In the states, I was a wallflower, but now I am a SUPER wallflower especially around foreigners not around locals. Around locals I am extroverted, friendly, and know how to engage socially, but around foreigners, I clam up. I hide in the kitchen. I decline invitations.

Returning to the states I wonder what kind of community I will find and become a part of. SUPER wallflowers have difficulty finding community. After living overseas for four years, I fear that maybe I will hide in an isolated corner of the states and never come out. I wonder if I will start dating; however, living overseas I have learned that I am okay alone and don't need a partner.

My attitude towards not having a career has been reinforced by living overseas. I feel the joy and peace of having free time, of living on the bare essentials, of not having excess but just the right amount to feed, clothe, and house you. I don't care about having a high paying career, but feel that I can exist anywhere no matter what the salary is.

I wonder if someday a wake up call will hit me. Am I too idealistic and will American reality change my tune?