Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Self-censoring myself

The creative writing club had its first meeting in October and we have had a total of about 20 sessions. We are getting ready to take some of that writing, edit it and compile it into a book.

During writing club, I write different things than what I would write for this blog. Sometimes I focus on a setting, or conflict, or character development, or a dialogue. Here are some of the titles of short passages I am thinking of submitting to the book.

1. Dreams of a Person who Cries
2. Chinese American in China
3. One Girl Growing Up

Even though I really like the One Girl Growing Up vignette. I am not sure it is appropriate for the book. It feels too raw somehow. In the midst of student stories about going to a net bar, about being afraid of the puppy who is living in the dorm room, about getting a phone call from an old classmate, about friendship, my writing feels too emotional, too open, too exposed and revealing.

Maybe I should just keep it in my writing journal, self-censor myself, and not submit it to the panel of judges who will decide which stories will be in the book.

One Girl Growing Up

DP hates herself and it gets her into a lot of trouble. When she was younger she believed she was a good girl who was always doing what the big G asked her to. She followed His rules and moral principles. Every day she thanked Him for all the wonderful and beautiful gifts He gave her. She even thanked Him when she got her first boyfriend.

It was that first boyfriend though that led her down the path of evil, away from morality into a realm of bad choices made for selfish reasons. No longer did the big G's love satisfy her. Now she only wanted people to love her, so she would do anything and say anything just so a person would love her. She grew fearful of not being loved and the fear turned her self-love into self-hatred.

Once hate took over, all of her troubles began and ever since that first boyfriend she has left a battlefield of wounded souls, a river of pain flowing from her fingertips into each and every person she meets. Bitterness and anger is all that is left. Hate and bad choices have become the norm. She no longer knows what is right and wrong anymore. Instead all of her decisions are made for selfish reasons. She'll do anything to be loved, anything except listen to the real truth. By ignoring the truth, she makes promises so that people will love her, but they are promises that cannot be kept since they are based on lies. So she takes out her knife and stabs the ones she desires, the ones who could love her and stabs them in the back.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey Dr. Jen,

I stumbled upon your blog, because I was looking for narratives of Peace Corps volunteers who have been stationed in China (and other countries in Asia and the Pacific Rim) to learn about their experiences through reading their blogged material that's available in the public domain.

Even though I started reading on a blog entry that you posted long ago in the midst of your Peace Corps adventures, I was convinced and curious enough to start from the very beginning - the first entry. And I'm happy to say that your blogs entries that center around the exploration and quest to define self identity in a place where you often find yourself mistaken for a local to be very very interesting. I think it may be amplified by the fact that I'm currently taking a course on Gender Studies with a focus on Colonialism and Imperialism and how Orientalism effects the public sphere.

Anyway, I decided to comment on this specific blog entry to encourage you. I think that your narrative's absolutely intriguing and very insightful. And even though you do note that you're a writer who's limited by her lack of vocab, I think that the language you do use is simple and easy to understand which ultimately makes your writing clear and and and...that makes it also easier to relate to.

Well, I hope you still have a wonderful time teaching in China and continue to express your thoughts about your experiences on this blog. I really appreciate your time and effort in maintaining a blog.

Anyway, good luck!